The Hog from Hell?

Ok, I've known about people hunting animals for sport since childhood. But with this "kill" my definition of what constitutes an animal is under attack. In case you can't believe your eyes either, check out www.monsterpig.com and view more pictures that accompany the one to the left. An eleven year old shot this feral boar in the woods of Alabama. Several people have written into that sight to either congratulate the young man or admonish him for violating human rights.

In all honesty, I'm still too dumbfounded to be angry or excited. How could this boar have come to be? What in the HECK was this thing eating to get to be 1/2 a ton? And was it living alone?

Oh well, I guess there will be more barbecue for some one's Memorial Day!

Defining, Refining, Recreating

So I've been meditating on what it means for me to be a woman in this world. Actually I'm at a point where I consider myself as going through rebirth because of all of the things that have happened in my life recently. But it's amusing when I consider that...
for the longest time during my teens I never felt like I belonged ANYWHERE. And for the most part I still feel that way. But instead of having constant anxiety about it, I'm smooth and cool with it. One of the books I've been reading states that "what you resist persists." So I'm all about taking things in stride and moving through and beyond them.

As a teenager, my peers considered me to be ugly (they told to me to my face, so this wasn't hearsay!) and nerdy and generally weird. And I'd have to say that many of my acquaintances feel the same, if I'm competent at all in reading body language. There were teen aged black boys who told me directly that I was way too dark for them to ever consider dating and other boys who would state that I was nice but...
I thought for a long time that if I could just change my hair, or wear different clothes or alter my body that I'd be appealing to "them" (whoever THEY were). But now I know that that race only moves in a vicious circle and even catching someone's attention ultimately means that you'll have to continue catching it as more and more things cause their eyes to wander.
I used to withhold my feelings and thoughts about things for fear of offending or seeming unintelligent. Of course, after having numerous people treat me as unintelligent anyways, I now can speak my mind when I feel it's warranted.

I wonder if I'm spiritually a nomad and really not meant to stay in one place or situation too long. I can't say that I've found a place where I instinctively belong. I'm just more secure in who I am while acknowledging that socially I'm still awkward and potentially unappealing.

If I were living in ancient Nubia, I'd say I was a daughter of Maat (the goddess of truth and justice). Part of what makes me cringe regularly is the amount of lying and deception so many engage in to raise their status or protect their desires. It literally makes my skin crawl. Lies about politics and the environment, the true nature of disease or even one's ability/non-ability to be faithful in relationships...it just seems that many of us don't know how to come to a place of truth and live there. Maybe that's another reason why I'm an oddball. I'll often voice openly what so many seek to hide. I believe AIDS is a disease created in a laboratory, I think the war in Iraq had nothing to do with weapons of mass destruction and I think that many people have no business being married because they haven't the slightest clue of what fidelity entails. See what I mean?

As a woman, I have felt and continue to feel the pressure from society to be perfect, to look beautiful and to attain the perfect weight. More men and boys than I'd like to admit have called me ugly right out on the streets. Some have told me how fat they think I am. Others have stated they think I look like a man. Fortunately for me, I'm at the point where I don't have to argue with anyone about their opinions of me. But I often wonder how these same men would react if I were to dissect their height (or lack thereof), their genitalia size or their overall attractiveness. Would they be able to walk along with no reaction or would they be the first ones ready to rip something apart? Me thinks it's the latter.

I've realized that I must connect with my femininity and sexuality on a level that remains independent of men's opinions. Because if not, I'll be devastated at every stop light.

I once had a cast member mail a weight loss ad to my home address while we were on tour. I didn't know this at the time, but knew that he was keeping a careful watch of me as if he were expecting me to react to something. As it turns out, we came back to the city for a brief period and I opened his letter. And then I knew why he was watching me so closely. He was waiting for me to break down in humiliation.

Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) I've become accustomed to such insults to the point that I have to shrug and ask myself "what else is new?"

I feel myself opening and moving in different ways and I'm thankful for ALL of my experiences and ALL of people's reactions to me. It only serves as a guidepost of where I need to go and those I need to leave behind.